I go by rhythm
one two three four five
you go by rhythm
six seven eight nine ten
(TCS)
As said, the moment we see in our family our parents aging quickly, our children growing up quickly and we are still the same, not changing at all, that is when we have entered the early old age without knowing it. The relationship between grandparents, parents, children... in the family has changed, sometimes not easy at all if we are not prepared in advance to adjust and adapt. It is not easy to see one day that our "authority" as parents is suddenly challenged! Just the fact that the kids no longer follow us like when we were little and only want to follow someone else is enough... to make us sad. The kids also do not want to sit at the same table with us anymore, do not want to talk to us anymore, avoid times when we have to discuss something serious. In the eyes of today's children, parents are outdated, no longer idols, ready to find countless mistakes of their parents. Many parents work hard to raise their children, do not have time to be close, the children grow up without knowing, treat their children like they are still babies, so conflicts can happen. Many people put too many expectations on their children, making the children feel suffocated, feel guilty when they cannot meet their parents' wishes, want to run away, want to distance themselves from their family. Parents think they do something like that for their children, because they love them, but their children think differently, think that their parents are selfish, restrictive, coercive, authoritarian... Conflicts start right from the perception, from the perspective of both sides. The story of "father becomes a teacher, son sells books" is not rare, like a reverse reaction. After so many years of caring for and worrying about every little thing for their children, hugging, holding, breastfeeding... suddenly one day they find themselves with only an empty nest. Regardless of how grown-up children often are, they often have "unfilial" words and gestures towards their parents. Pearl Buck tells the story of a mother who chewed rice and fed her child since he was a child. When the child grew up, he sent him to study abroad, became a doctor, married a woman, and when he returned home to visit his mother, he showed disgust for his mother, considering her unhygienic... Parents in their early years will find it difficult to accept the change in their role from being a caregiver, supervisor, and decision maker for their children to now being just an advisor, giving only empty advice. The gap between the two generations has become wider and wider. It is clear that children need to be independent, self-determined, and self-responsible when they grow up. It is clear that parents in their early years must know how to adapt to new circumstances, but children must also sympathize with their parents who are in a period of physiological, psychological, and social difficulties. Therefore, if the family is no longer stable, if the children "add fuel to the fire", the risk is even higher. Parents also need to empathize with their children, remember their own adolescence to understand their children's reactions now, but still have the responsibility to supervise and advise. There needs to be frank discussions within the family to decide important matters together.
"Old" couples are clearly different from newlyweds. In the past, husband and wife worked hard together to take care of the family and children, but now they have more time to observe each other, to look at, to find fault, to grumble with each other... Many families have had serious conflicts to the point of having to avoid each other, the husband goes up the mountain and the wife goes down the sea or vice versa! Husband and wife have long shared everything, "although two but one" but suddenly two but two is not easy. Difficulties due to physiological and social changes further aggravate the tension between the two. Women seem to be more heavily affected. When the mother herself is having many difficulties due to physiological changes, if the situation of her husband and children is no longer as expected, the mother is easily disappointed, dissatisfied, becomes irritable, bitter, frustrated... and spreads this unstable state to the whole family, making the situation more tense... the world. The wife sometimes feels that her husband is also neglecting her. The husband also avoids unpleasant "one-on-one" meetings, because his hearing is hard, his words are curt, monotonous, heavy, "no expression" anymore, so he speaks less to avoid being criticized, or endures to get it over with and thus gradually becomes a true Socrates. Just imagine when Socrates was thrown a plate of fruit out of the garden by his wife, he still happily went out with his friends to the garden to continue picking fruit to eat and chatting as if nothing had happened, it is really interesting. Some women easily feel that life is boring and useless once their children grow up, their responsibility to raise them is completed, while their husbands are more absorbed in social work than in family, preferring "fame", chasing after achievements that they have invested their efforts in since their youth. However, most women are clearly aware of this stage and have prepared well for their early old age, adapting easily and sometimes even finding more happiness once they are no longer bound by responsibility to their children. A mother who is too dependent on her children, considering them as the whole reason for her life, is likely to be disappointed if her children do not fulfill their wishes, will feel humiliated and boring when living alone with her husband... as she gets older, she will increasingly discover more flaws that she did not have time to see before, that mother will be sad when she sees her children grow up, have their own family and care more for their own family than for her mother, "valuing the wife more than the mother", and thus the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship is also likely to happen. Men who are not stable in their jobs are also easily dissatisfied, especially when they see their wives and children look down on their work and "career", especially when they are compared with other people. It takes time to "rebuild the relationship" between husband, wife and children, especially to accept each other, accept the common and the individual, the good and the bad, the good and the bad. No longer burdened with children, married couples can have more time to take care of each other, can go here and there, "travel" here and there, which is also an opportunity to discover more unknown things, good qualities of each other. Many couples find common interests in pastimes such as reading, watching movies, going to art exhibitions, listening to poetry concerts, etc. At that time, they can clearly be proud that "only you and I are left of the old autumn" (XQ) because they are of the same generation, can understand each other, can share with each other a song, a place with many memories. The love between husband and wife can still be passionate even though the sexual relationship has changed due to age, health, and the husband's physiological ability "our love is like a row of trees, having gone through the storm season, our love is like a river, having gone through the flood season" (XQ), that is when they can find peace together if they are well prepared mentally. A mature spirit will help overcome these difficulties, but it is not easy. Research shows that in women, sex in early old age does not necessarily have to reach the same level of pleasure as when they were young, but affection and love are essential, otherwise it can easily lead to a breakdown. Research also shows that in men, the stage of strong sexuality comes very early in their youth, while in women it comes later, sometimes in middle age. It can be said like Trinh Cong Son "I go by rhythm, one two three four five, you go by rhythm, six seven eight nine ten" so "how can we meet each other" is like that! In men of this age, the biggest concern is impotence, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and prolonged fatigue; in women, in many cases, after being freed from the constraints of children and duty, they care more about sex, want to be caressed, and be closer, which easily creates dissatisfaction, and does not see happiness or harmony in the relationship between husband and wife. It takes understanding to be able to accept, adjust and adapt to overcome these difficulties.
Không có ai là vô dụng trong thế giới này khi làm nhẹ bớt đi gánh nặng của người khác. (No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another. )Charles Dickens
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